after reading my previous blog, a close friend posted the reverse situation question: "Can lovers be friends?"
in the first place, those who are in the relationship should be friends with each other. the element of friendship has more permanence than romance, glueing it together when sparks fly outside the window. we all know how 'romance' is very fickle, and sadly oftentimes equated by couples to their commitment--> that is, if the romance is gone, and so does commitment. wrong.
now, going beyond the scope of a relationship: "Can former lovers be friends?" hmmm... again, it depends on how the parting away has been. if it is was REALY amicable, this can happen, otherwise, do not force the issue. do not open a can of worms. do not hold on to the ideal but accept the real thing. reality bites, and moreso former lovers. haha! this poisonous end is what makes us afraid of getting into a relationship with a good friend. so it's good to be careful, discerning and... resilient ;)
6.29.2008
6.28.2008
Can Friends be Lovers?
oh, the perennial question that tickles the minds of those in a girl-guy relationship! i've been in that situation and i can symphatize with the sleepless nights, the marathon of analysis of what-ifs, and the daydreaming portion of a happy-ever-after.
and my answer to this? YES, it is possible, but not always the case! it takes divine intervention for it to really work and for you to know it without sweating an effort at all! ;)
i've always had close guy friend. and having three brothers around has somehow helped me how to deal with this situation... not that they taught me how, but it helped me understand guys a bit. i do not say i've always been in control of the situation (coz who says you can always control that deceitful heart?), but i've pretty much passed most of my friendships with flying colors and has kept these close guy friends longer than my exes...
if i just like him as my best friend, nothing more, how do i avoid him misinterpreting my actions and words?
when i've a close guy friend whom i see only as a friend (after months and months of looking at a romantic angle to no avail), i make sure it is clear to him. how? i do not cross the boundary of physical friend zone, like casual hugging and holding hands. why? because even if it is harmless for me, it may be encouraging for the other party. also, i do not cross the boundary of conversational friend zone, like talking to him as if he's my BF.
ladies, do not be selfish that you are only thinking of expressing yourself to your 'best friend", oblivious of its effect on the other party. be very careful, in the same way that you yourself do not want to get mixed signal from your guy-friend and be hurt in the end, right? do not simply indulge in this "best friend" zone. with privilege, comes responsibility. remember too that the difference between best friend and romance is really just thin-line, thin ice, and if the feeling is not shared by both--- you can be losing a very important relationship because of carelessness and selfishness.
what if i feel something for my guy best friend and i'm not sure if the feeling is mutual?
now, this is a killer-- if not handled well! and i had one friendship 6-ft below the ground now because of my immaturity! anyways, i suggest that being his friend, stick to the facts first. if you really know him, you will know if he likes you. he will drop hints if he does not know your feeling for him, and he will look for encouragement and hope before he drops the real bomb...
so do not delude yourself of reading-too-much-between-the-lines. guys are usually wired simply, unlike us. they do not go the lenghts of scheming things in order to let their feelings be known to you. do not rob off your friendship of its current joys because of "malicious thoughts". do not go inventing sweet dreams, when reality does not support it. do not think for him and do not start sewing facts together. do not spend sleepless nights trying to analyze things, coz really, he just might not be thinking about you and you end up feeling unfair!
instead, pray for it, and do not mess up with your close friendship! let Him do His work, let Him freely work out His great design. in the first place, the worst case scenario if it is not His will is, is that he will still be your best friend-- which isn't really bad after all!
i've always been a believer of guy doing the first move, because if he really really like you ENOUGH, he will make the move however much "torpe" he is. so let him do the chasing. but i also believe that girls can encourage and do their part in making it easy on the "torpeng" guys--- only if you really like the guy.
what if my best friend told me he likes me more than friends, but i do not feel the same?
put yourself in his shoes and you will be reminded to handle this well. he went thru all the troubles, and really, it took a lot of guts from him to do this, so if you will decline him, decline him squarely but gently. be honest, but be gentle. be firm, but be gentle. this is not just another guy, but a real close friend with whom you shared part of your life with.
oh well, this is not a list of what-to-dos but simply a sharing of how i did it in mine. but still, no situation is ever identical, so play it by ear, be guided and be brave for the circumstances ;)
and my answer to this? YES, it is possible, but not always the case! it takes divine intervention for it to really work and for you to know it without sweating an effort at all! ;)
i've always had close guy friend. and having three brothers around has somehow helped me how to deal with this situation... not that they taught me how, but it helped me understand guys a bit. i do not say i've always been in control of the situation (coz who says you can always control that deceitful heart?), but i've pretty much passed most of my friendships with flying colors and has kept these close guy friends longer than my exes...
if i just like him as my best friend, nothing more, how do i avoid him misinterpreting my actions and words?
when i've a close guy friend whom i see only as a friend (after months and months of looking at a romantic angle to no avail), i make sure it is clear to him. how? i do not cross the boundary of physical friend zone, like casual hugging and holding hands. why? because even if it is harmless for me, it may be encouraging for the other party. also, i do not cross the boundary of conversational friend zone, like talking to him as if he's my BF.
ladies, do not be selfish that you are only thinking of expressing yourself to your 'best friend", oblivious of its effect on the other party. be very careful, in the same way that you yourself do not want to get mixed signal from your guy-friend and be hurt in the end, right? do not simply indulge in this "best friend" zone. with privilege, comes responsibility. remember too that the difference between best friend and romance is really just thin-line, thin ice, and if the feeling is not shared by both--- you can be losing a very important relationship because of carelessness and selfishness.
what if i feel something for my guy best friend and i'm not sure if the feeling is mutual?
now, this is a killer-- if not handled well! and i had one friendship 6-ft below the ground now because of my immaturity! anyways, i suggest that being his friend, stick to the facts first. if you really know him, you will know if he likes you. he will drop hints if he does not know your feeling for him, and he will look for encouragement and hope before he drops the real bomb...
so do not delude yourself of reading-too-much-between-the-lines. guys are usually wired simply, unlike us. they do not go the lenghts of scheming things in order to let their feelings be known to you. do not rob off your friendship of its current joys because of "malicious thoughts". do not go inventing sweet dreams, when reality does not support it. do not think for him and do not start sewing facts together. do not spend sleepless nights trying to analyze things, coz really, he just might not be thinking about you and you end up feeling unfair!
instead, pray for it, and do not mess up with your close friendship! let Him do His work, let Him freely work out His great design. in the first place, the worst case scenario if it is not His will is, is that he will still be your best friend-- which isn't really bad after all!
i've always been a believer of guy doing the first move, because if he really really like you ENOUGH, he will make the move however much "torpe" he is. so let him do the chasing. but i also believe that girls can encourage and do their part in making it easy on the "torpeng" guys--- only if you really like the guy.
what if my best friend told me he likes me more than friends, but i do not feel the same?
put yourself in his shoes and you will be reminded to handle this well. he went thru all the troubles, and really, it took a lot of guts from him to do this, so if you will decline him, decline him squarely but gently. be honest, but be gentle. be firm, but be gentle. this is not just another guy, but a real close friend with whom you shared part of your life with.
oh well, this is not a list of what-to-dos but simply a sharing of how i did it in mine. but still, no situation is ever identical, so play it by ear, be guided and be brave for the circumstances ;)
6.24.2008
Looking thru the Eyes of Kids
lately, even after months of vacation, i did not find going back to work something to look forward to, when in the past, it used to. for some vague reason, i did not find work as appealing anymore. maybe it has something to do with being in the same place and the same work, and the same workmates year after year... oh the glooms of monotony!
but then this afternoon, i got to treat some of the kids of my churchmates to adventureland. i welcomed being pushed away from my office chair even for just a moment. and then seeing how the kids were sooooo happy with the cards i gave them gave me a certain lift of joy! oh, those were precious moments when kids' eyes just flash with ecstacy! haha!
and then when they finished playing, they went to our table and started chatting with me. there were 4 kids talking to me simultaneously...
"hey, what's your favorite ride?"
"do you need to pay when you ride? no? wow, that's sooo cool!"
"what's your work there? do you just go around the center the whole day?"
"are you the boss? no? so you get to tell everyone what to do except the boss?"
"wow, you can play all you want here?"
"you do not need to swipe that card to enter?"
"you have free cards?"
and i knew this was coming "i think i like to work here someday.."
haha! i think looking at my work in these kids' perspective will help a little in bringing back the joy in my work... ;)
but then this afternoon, i got to treat some of the kids of my churchmates to adventureland. i welcomed being pushed away from my office chair even for just a moment. and then seeing how the kids were sooooo happy with the cards i gave them gave me a certain lift of joy! oh, those were precious moments when kids' eyes just flash with ecstacy! haha!
and then when they finished playing, they went to our table and started chatting with me. there were 4 kids talking to me simultaneously...
"hey, what's your favorite ride?"
"do you need to pay when you ride? no? wow, that's sooo cool!"
"what's your work there? do you just go around the center the whole day?"
"are you the boss? no? so you get to tell everyone what to do except the boss?"
"wow, you can play all you want here?"
"you do not need to swipe that card to enter?"
"you have free cards?"
and i knew this was coming "i think i like to work here someday.."
haha! i think looking at my work in these kids' perspective will help a little in bringing back the joy in my work... ;)
The Tunnel
last week, in a bible study, a brother asked us about the benefits of sufferings for His sake. a number of us flipped thru the bible, and there we saw an ocean of list of good things we get out of suffering: closeness with God, pruning of our character, increasing our faith, etc. (romans 5:2-4; romans 8:17; 2 cor 1:7...)
and the next question which seemed to have been logically easy to answer based on the premise above, but was really difficult to, was "if there are a lot of benefits to it, and then why do we avoid sufferings?"
it made me think for a while. and in my mind, aside from the other obvious reasons of avoiding it such as fear of alienation, financial distress, pain, sadness, i realized that one thing that really makes this kind of suffering something we do not look forward to, is the thought of uncertainy...
suffering is always appreciated at hindsight, at that end of the tunnel when all questions are answered, all pieces of the puzzle are complete.
but while we are at it not knowing what is happening and the end is seemingly so far-fetched from what we hope it would be, suffering becomes so unbearable.
but it is in this uncertain period do we clearly see the stark contrast that we are mere mortals and that He is the all-powerful and all-knowing God! it is in this period that we have no one else to turn to but to Him, no one else to strenghten us but Him and no one else to hope to than on Him. and this is certainly an opportunity to exercise our faith and to look at these dark providences thru the lens of our Saviour...
and the next question which seemed to have been logically easy to answer based on the premise above, but was really difficult to, was "if there are a lot of benefits to it, and then why do we avoid sufferings?"
it made me think for a while. and in my mind, aside from the other obvious reasons of avoiding it such as fear of alienation, financial distress, pain, sadness, i realized that one thing that really makes this kind of suffering something we do not look forward to, is the thought of uncertainy...
suffering is always appreciated at hindsight, at that end of the tunnel when all questions are answered, all pieces of the puzzle are complete.
but while we are at it not knowing what is happening and the end is seemingly so far-fetched from what we hope it would be, suffering becomes so unbearable.
but it is in this uncertain period do we clearly see the stark contrast that we are mere mortals and that He is the all-powerful and all-knowing God! it is in this period that we have no one else to turn to but to Him, no one else to strenghten us but Him and no one else to hope to than on Him. and this is certainly an opportunity to exercise our faith and to look at these dark providences thru the lens of our Saviour...
6.21.2008
Lazy or Busy?
whoa! it's been months since i last updated my blogsite... so not me huh! either i'm lazy or just plain busy. hehe. well anyways, i'm back on my normal sched after a month and a half of hiatus, so expect new articles to come... i still owe you my maldivian adventures, and now i have my philippines tales to tell you, my bangkok trip and other tales of my grey matter... watch this space.... ;)
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