Flashback

it happened while i was driving to work this morning. scenes of my last year plans flashed back in my mind. normally that excites me. but now, it rubbed more strongly and painfully that many of those plans are now useless--- with the absence of my Tatay (dad). in between tears, i continued driving while my mind was busy rewinding...

last year, i planned on having a vacation in Boracay in April 08 with Nanay and Tatay, so that Tatay would be able to see the beauty of one of the most pristine beaches in the world. i'm sure he'd hesitate coz he'll think of the cost, but he'll give in to my charms. but now i am thinking of foregoing it for now...

last year, i bough a land in his home province in Quezon sold for a very cheap price, which really thrilled him! he has been talking to a lawyer for the documentation, even until 2 days before he passed away. he would have loved going to Quezon every now and then, making use of the land for coconut plantation or whatever he wished to do with it. but now i am thinking of just re-selling it...

last year, i planned on building a mini-studio for his paintings atop our garage where he could freely enjoy looking at his works of art. and yes, friends too when they pay us a visit. but now, i am thinking of revising that plan...

and the one very thing that brought me to sobbing was this:

last year, more than once did he ask Nanay when i'd finally have a BF... maybe he would already like to meet and know that someone he'd send off his daughter to; that someone who'd take care of me, instead of him....

and if the Lord wills, Tatay wouldn't be able to meet him anymore... and sadly, he will not be able to walk his only girl down the aisle... deep inside i know he's been waiting for that...


it took me a few more minutes after i parked to compose myself. by God's grace, things will be ok. i walked again to our office to face another day, trusting in Him that soon He will wipe my tears away...


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Prov 19:21 "Many plans are in a man's heart,But the counsel of the LORD will stand.

2 Cor 1:3-5 " Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

Band of Brothers

i'm the only girl among the brood of 4. and the youngest to boot. so you can imagine how i grew up--- playing boys' games, acting like one of the guys--- until of course i became aware of my femininity in in high school.

it was not difficult for me living with them, for they never played antagonist roles in my life, even in my so called love life. i remember in high school, when i'm not yet home at 6pm and my father thinks danger beckons, he would usher all of my 3 brothers into the 3 different roads i might use going home (we live in a corner of intersecting streets), and each of them would report to him every so often.

they have their own special traits which i turn to depending on the situation. when i need someone for a deep talk, i turn to kuya andy. when i need someone to accompany me to gatherings, i turn to kuya atong. when i need someone to do errands for me, i turn to kuya raul, and so on and so forth...

i praise God for even if they had all sorts of boys' fights in the past (and it can really get physical, frequent and for the shallowest of reasons!!!), never has any of them planted any seed of anger, envy nor coldness. i saw the love-at-work when tatay passed away last january. the more i felt the importance of their uniqueness in the different roles they played during that period. i did not realize there was so much to be done when someone passes away! but with my brothers around, it was a cinch! i did not understand then, when friends tell me that i will have the real time to mourn after all these 'busyness" for the wake, burial, etc. and as usual, i loved the way they expressed their concern for each one of us, and especially to our Nanay... now, while i am away from home, they take turns taking care of her ;)

Ten Things I love about You

I know my Tatay will not hear this anymore, nevertheless, it's a good kind of emotional release to breakfree the thoughts i have in mind. So here goes the 10 things i love about you Tay:



(1) I love the way you kiss me on my forehead each time I leave the house, coupled with "Ingat (take care)"-- you never failed to do this for the past 33 years!



(2) I love the way you wake up even in the wee hours of the morning when i arrive home from any gathering, just to open the gate and guide me as i manouver the car inside the garage. never did i hear you complain even if i've awaken you from a deep sleep.



(3) I love how you indulge yourself deeply in subjects and activities you are very passionate about. i wonder where you find all the energy! i envy that, but there are times i'd find the over zealousness comical too-- i remember your deep-seated belief that everything can be cured by penicillin, then, medicol, then reflexology, then oxygen, and now, by virgin coconut oil ;)

(4) I love the way you put top priority on our education, and even on my nephew and nieces'. I'm amazed at your patience in teaching them even if you did not have to, even if you can make use of those hours for yourself. i'm sure they miss you now that exams are approaching...


(5) I love the way you leave small bits of food when we eat coz you are saving it for later, or for Nanay. few times it irritated me coz i know you will just leave it inside the fridge (and more often than not, it gets molded anyways). but i've come to accept that it is a reflection of your nature to think of others first before yourself, and i already find that sweet.


(6) I love the way you challenged me when i was figuring out the course i'd take in college. but as rebellious as i was, i did not give in to your desire that i'd be a nurse.


(7) I love the way you exemplified simple living. i owe it to you that even if there are points that we've been blessed to taste the high life, we'd always bounce back to simple, debt-free and stress-free living.


(8) I love the way you get excited about exploring new things, new places. Now i know where i got that inquisitive bone!


(9) I love the way you have instilled in my mind the paramount importance of honesty. i remembered when you spanked one of my brothers coz there was a P2.00 missing on the shelf. the means may not be justifiable, but the message definitely came across clearly.


(10) Lastly, i love the way you make me feel so young. for some reason, I seem to always appear 25 to you! i love you! ;) i just writing these makes me miss you more...

Parting Away and Reunions

isn't it ironic that we usually gather together when someone departs from this world? ....

this one event has brought me and my relatives together after quite a long time. some i've known long before, the others were mere acquaintances.


i've also seen people whom i haven't encountered for a long time, like my neighbors in sta.mesa where i spent the first 20 years of my life! it's so nice to see them again.


i also met most of my neighbors. since i am always away, i've very obscure images of them, much less their names... i guess vice versa holds true.


and then, as to my friends, even if that was not the kind of reunion i had in mind, i saw these different groups of friends i have, as far back as my elementary days, to high school, college and different companies i've worked with.

ironic as it may seem, i actually find it necessary that you see these people giving each member of our family the support we needed. they are like ministering angels, willing instruments of our merciful God. i've proven that at times of great loss, no amount of money can heal a broken soul. so invest on good relationships and friendships...

Endings and Beginnings

a part of me had died, when he passed away...

jan 6: that 2:30am phone call that shook my world upside down. my mom said my dad did not make it to the hospital. the doctor said he was DOA and it was either cardiac arrest or stroke. for a few seconds, no words came out of my mouth. i cannot believe any of the words i heard. it seemed surreal. i felt so helpless being thousands of miles away. i wanted to fly. this is the first time i cried so hard that my heart was pounding so strong, i was afraid i'd collapse. my thoughts were running loose on whys and hows. i never felt so confused and sad in my life. i cried til my tears ran dry... i call it the morning of mourning.

jan 7: while i was packing, i kept crying as i ran my hands on many of the souvenirs i kept for tatay for my scheduled trip to the phils in april. i wanted him to see the brochures i got from germany. he'd love that. i got him him various herbs from morocco. and of course, i kept many of dubai magazines for him...

jan 8: that day when i did not want the airplane to land. i just wanted it to go round and round and round and mask the reality of death that i was about to face. call me coward, but at that time, yes, i was. hours later, the inevitable came. i saw him face to face. i wanted to regale him with many stories...it's too late...i still hugged him, kissed him, but now he's now cold as ice and and hard as wood. oh, the depths of the pains of death, only those who has experienced it can fully fathom.

jan 12: we buried him. it was raining so hard, as if the heavens were crying with us...

all throughout the ordeal, God has been our comfort and strength. i have faith that all the small and big things that come with this event is in His hands, and that it will turn out in the end for His glory, and our good. there are many questions left unanswered, but that is the opportunity to exercise my faith.

my family, especially my mom, has been faithfully upheld by God. i know my pain is incomparable to the pain she experienced. and i am greatful to God and for the prayer of friends and relatives that saw us through...

now, a month after, we are seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.... we are seeing new beginnings...

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in behalf of my family, my hearfelt gratitude to all of you who have shared with our sorrows, who expressed their sympathies and support, and who have shown us that death is not the end of things... it is but a start of a new beginning...