Good, Better, Best

it's good to be in love... oh the excitement, the tingling sensation on the spines..

it's better to love...oh the depth of commitment

it's best to be in love with someone you love... oh the mix of both gifts from above!

usually it does not coincide and that spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R!

Alive.. Dying.. Dead

Love is alive when it is patient, it is dying when it is hurried, and it is dead when it cannot wait.

Love is alive when it cares, is dying when it forgets, and is dead when it ignores.

Love is alive when it is secure, dying when it starts doubting, and is dead when it stops trusting.

Love is alive when it is giving, is dying when it is exchanging, and is dead when it is taking.

Love is alive when it acts its way into feeling, is dying when it feels and doesn't act or acts and doesn't feel, and is dead when it no longer feels or acts.

-Anonymous Author

Can Lovers be Friends? Part Two

after reading my previous blog, a close friend posted the reverse situation question: "Can lovers be friends?"

in the first place, those who are in the relationship should be friends with each other. the element of friendship has more permanence than romance, glueing it together when sparks fly outside the window. we all know how 'romance' is very fickle, and sadly oftentimes equated by couples to their commitment--> that is, if the romance is gone, and so does commitment. wrong.

now, going beyond the scope of a relationship: "Can former lovers be friends?" hmmm... again, it depends on how the parting away has been. if it is was REALY amicable, this can happen, otherwise, do not force the issue. do not open a can of worms. do not hold on to the ideal but accept the real thing. reality bites, and moreso former lovers. haha! this poisonous end is what makes us afraid of getting into a relationship with a good friend. so it's good to be careful, discerning and... resilient ;)

Can Friends be Lovers?

oh, the perennial question that tickles the minds of those in a girl-guy relationship! i've been in that situation and i can symphatize with the sleepless nights, the marathon of analysis of what-ifs, and the daydreaming portion of a happy-ever-after.

and my answer to this? YES, it is possible, but not always the case! it takes divine intervention for it to really work and for you to know it without sweating an effort at all! ;)

i've always had close guy friend. and having three brothers around has somehow helped me how to deal with this situation... not that they taught me how, but it helped me understand guys a bit. i do not say i've always been in control of the situation (coz who says you can always control that deceitful heart?), but i've pretty much passed most of my friendships with flying colors and has kept these close guy friends longer than my exes...

if i just like him as my best friend, nothing more, how do i avoid him misinterpreting my actions and words?
when i've a close guy friend whom i see only as a friend (after months and months of looking at a romantic angle to no avail), i make sure it is clear to him. how? i do not cross the boundary of physical friend zone, like casual hugging and holding hands. why? because even if it is harmless for me, it may be encouraging for the other party. also, i do not cross the boundary of conversational friend zone, like talking to him as if he's my BF.

ladies, do not be selfish that you are only thinking of expressing yourself to your 'best friend", oblivious of its effect on the other party. be very careful, in the same way that you yourself do not want to get mixed signal from your guy-friend and be hurt in the end, right? do not simply indulge in this "best friend" zone. with privilege, comes responsibility. remember too that the difference between best friend and romance is really just thin-line, thin ice, and if the feeling is not shared by both--- you can be losing a very important relationship because of carelessness and selfishness.

what if i feel something for my guy best friend and i'm not sure if the feeling is mutual?
now, this is a killer-- if not handled well! and i had one friendship 6-ft below the ground now because of my immaturity! anyways, i suggest that being his friend, stick to the facts first. if you really know him, you will know if he likes you. he will drop hints if he does not know your feeling for him, and he will look for encouragement and hope before he drops the real bomb...

so do not delude yourself of reading-too-much-between-the-lines. guys are usually wired simply, unlike us. they do not go the lenghts of scheming things in order to let their feelings be known to you. do not rob off your friendship of its current joys because of "malicious thoughts". do not go inventing sweet dreams, when reality does not support it. do not think for him and do not start sewing facts together. do not spend sleepless nights trying to analyze things, coz really, he just might not be thinking about you and you end up feeling unfair!

instead, pray for it, and do not mess up with your close friendship! let Him do His work, let Him freely work out His great design. in the first place, the worst case scenario if it is not His will is, is that he will still be your best friend-- which isn't really bad after all!

i've always been a believer of guy doing the first move, because if he really really like you ENOUGH, he will make the move however much "torpe" he is. so let him do the chasing. but i also believe that girls can encourage and do their part in making it easy on the "torpeng" guys--- only if you really like the guy.


what if my best friend told me he likes me more than friends, but i do not feel the same?
put yourself in his shoes and you will be reminded to handle this well. he went thru all the troubles, and really, it took a lot of guts from him to do this, so if you will decline him, decline him squarely but gently. be honest, but be gentle. be firm, but be gentle. this is not just another guy, but a real close friend with whom you shared part of your life with.



oh well, this is not a list of what-to-dos but simply a sharing of how i did it in mine. but still, no situation is ever identical, so play it by ear, be guided and be brave for the circumstances ;)

The Paradox of God's Gift

i've always heard of ladies in the church saying "when i was already contented being single and not looking for that someone anymore, just then, he pops up from nowhere." i thought, how can God be so paradoxical in giving His blessing, giving you the very thing that you wanted when you are already willing to give him up graciously (not resignedly) and you thought you do not need that someone anymore?

i think what "He gives it to us when we do not 'seem' to need it" may mean is that:

• He gives him to us when we are already complete in Him first, before another person comes into the scene. He is a jealous God and another wonderful creation taking His place in our heart is not His will.
• Being able to give up 'graciously' the precious gifts is a sign of maturity in receiving them
• The very nature that it is A GIFT says that it is not His obligation towards us. it is a gift... a grace... and so He gives it in His own sweet time! and many who has received their gifts could not have thought of any other perfect timing than His.
• He knows that this gift is not just a momentary present, but a lifetime gift so He wants it to be given, not when "we" need it, but when "He" thinks we need it, and "He" thinks we are well equipped to receive it
• this overall paradox just simply display His sovereignty above all things, even the littlest details of situations pertaining to our God's gift! ;)

so to those who has received them already, continue rejoicing in Him! they are one of the best gifts that any person can ever have in this world.

to those who has not yet received them, be happily patient, be prayerful and be expectantly faithful!

Sweet Miracles

Many times in our lives we pray for miracles. sometimes we know how impossible our requests are, and we know how undeserving we are, yet day and night we wet our pillows with deep cries and petition for it. The uncertainty of attaining it challenges our faith. The long waiting period challenges our source of peace. And the first sign of a negative response challenges our perseverance.

And just when we thought that things are very remote from being a possibility, God sends forth His sweet miracles. And more often than not, even if we are expecting it and praying for it, we get utterly surprised when we get it! Talking about lack of faith huh? ;)

And when the dust has finally settled, we will then fully appreciate the sweetness of this miracle, and how He has worked out His wonderful scheme of things beyond our wildest imagination. It will just give you that smile on your face and twinkle in your eyes! Truly, His ways are higher than ours, more creative than ours, and much more wonderful than ours, if we just let Him do His perfect will in our lives! And to many impatient souls like me, sweet miracles are a testament of God’s perfect timing—never too late, nor too early! He knows best when we need it, when our wants should be met, and when we are most prepared to receive and take care of it.

And this sweet miracle begets great joy to our hearts, a thankful spirit and a worship to Him! May the sweetness of this miracle when it was first revealed to us, never fade in time…but the more that we appreciate it as time goes by… as things go good or bad… as more miracles unravel…

Formula for Love!

since it's love season, i'd share with you one thought-provoking statement Mano's hubby gave me...





one time, i was discussing with Mano if i'd behaved properly when i was talking to my crush, if my smile was ok, if what i said made sense, or if he'd talk to me again, or if he'd see me in a different light now. and you know us girls, talks like this would end up in a web of other topics, and we'd always end up not answering the basic questions.





she was online with her hubby. and i asked Mano to ask him his thought on this. he said:

"Naku, masyadong syentipik at analytical ang approach nyo. walang benepisyo dyan. basta pag pag-ibig, walang formula yan. kung ukol, bubukol." (tagalog)

"ohhh, you're approach is too scientific and analytical. there's no benefit in that. remember in love, there's no formula. if it will happen, it will happen! "





BANG!!! just a few words, compared to our 30-min talk, and i guess he pinned it down perfectly... i did not argue back after that. instead, i kept it in my heart. others consider it the X factor. i consider it the God's will factor ;)

That's very Adultish!

and when i say "adultish", i mean it in the same negative way we regard being "childish". i wish we never have grown up with this, but i guess, adulthood brings with it some forms of moral recession...

when my nephews and nieces quarrel, though it happens always and can really wear down the person tasked to watch over them, they are easy to reconcile. i easily know who are fighting, why they are fighting and what's the degree of their fight is. why? because they speak their hearts out, they focus in the current situation, they recognize the 'reconciling' authority, and it is finished when it is finished.

that's how different some adults are, and here is where i think we must emulate these little ones.

they speak their hearts out. kids would say what's on their mind, which is oftentimes out of line. and what i hope adulthood would achieve, is for this talk to be seasoned with maturity and civility. but oftentimes "adultishness" swallows us. we do not speak, we engage in psych-war, and worse, we masquerade our true emotions with poisonous friendliness which is just waiting to explode. i do not know what prompted us to become afraid of expressing ourselves. but this has oftentimes led to unnecessary strains in relationships.

they focus in the current situation. they say when people become hysterical, they usually become historical. true. adults seldom fight compared to kids, but when we do, we're sure to open a can of worms! some are related, but more often than not, it just makes the situation worse!

they recognize the 'reconciling' authority. even if kids go out of hand in their expression of anger, kids usually quiet down when the authority is mediating them already. we adults usually lose this perspective of authority, usually jaded, and we even question the impartiality. that's how "adultish" we are.

it is finished when it is finished. when it is my turn to end the quarrel talk with our kids, i am amazed at how they instantly pick up from where they left off before the fight. i admire that. unfortunately, experience has somehow eroded that ability, which gives birth to the dangerous 'vengeance'-- either in small ways or big ways.

i've dealt with so many of these adultishness, both mine and others. i've been in the midst of these misunderstandings too. and i can't stop myself sometimes from saying "how adultish!" oh, how we love to complicate things...

To My Single Girlfriends... Part 2 of 2

what is it then that we can enjoy in this stage in our life?

rest from heartaches - we are spared of the heartaches of being cheated, of losing a loved one, of heated arguments, of misunderstandings, etc. i guess the only heartache at this stage is when the guy we like, do not like us back, which is kinda minute compared to the ones stated above. it is basically a 'peaceful' stage, a needed plateau to the highs and lows of being in a relationship...

freedom - ask some of your married friends, and they'd tell you what that means ;)

decision-making - there are some things which are better off being decided by only one mind... where to go, what to eat, what to wear, what time to leave, what to watch, what to buy, etc.

time for our personal growth - we would like to accomplish much, and with more choices coming up, i think this is the right time to do them without much distractions! you want to study again? go! you want to switch jobs? go! want to shift gears? go! want to expand your travel portfolio? go! and the choices goes on and on...

time for others - why would the singles be tasked to take care of their younger siblings, or their parents, or be called on by friends? or be asked for a church ministry? it's because, we have more time! and time is such an expensive commodity nowadays which we are rich with! just don't be a corporate slave and be married to your job, or else you'll lose this privilege.

disposable income - we wouldn't be called the favorite titas for nothing? haha! this is also the time when guilt does not bite us if we have 2 pairs of our fave stilletos in different colors, or think of milk or diaper when we are looking at a killer bag on sale!!! nor our hands fighting between a much-desired out-of-town trip and the tuition fee for the 'kids'...

excitement at things - attending gatherings, new hobbies, meeting new friends, etc. excitement can be at an all time high, especially if prospects are available ;) plus, no guilt-feeling attached.

opportunity to widen our circle of friends - singlehood is usually the time when we widen our circle of friends because we have the opportunity and the drive to do so. friends from elem, high school and college, work colleagues, hobbies, orgs... we lose some on the way, and we retain some, until we are old enough and bruised enough to just be happy with our 'genuine' circle of friends...

service to our married girlfriends - they usually call on to us if they want some color in their lives! we regale them with our latest adventures. we provide the twist in their daily routines. we give them what they cannot buy for themselves. we provide the shoulder to cry on when the couples have misunderstandings. we lend a ready helping hand in whatever situation we are called, and other services which we are capable of giving because we are singles.


i do not know which of these are true for you, but these are just some of the things I can think of at the moment. the point is, let us always count our blessings as a single, and use it to prepare us fully, if and when the right time comes for God's blessing for the next stage -- of marriage.

To My Single Girlfriends... Part 1 of 2

singlehood is a stage in our life, just as being a kid, a teen, a young adult, a married person or an elderly is. but unlike being a kid, a teen, a young adult and an elderly which are clearly defined by age, singlehood and being married are not.

when we try to fit these two unto an age bracket, that's when problems begin-- discontent, impatience, frustration and unhappiness. we always had the internal pressure such as "when i reach 25, i should get married"... or "i'm 35, and i'm still single???"... or "oh my, i'm 40 and i don't have a baby yet!!!"...or worse, the external mockeries that push us "hey, when are you getting married?"...

dearies, you can be 30, 40, 50 and still be a single! the amount of time that you'd stay single, and the lenght of time that you'd be married is in God's hand. you maybe given more time to experience the joys AND sorrows of singlehood, or given more time to experience the joys AND sorrows of a married life. a married life isn't necessarily a charmed life, as what we were always taught, nor singlehood isn't always a pityful stage...

God is so wise in not putting all the good things in one stage. and man is so unwise into always wanting to hop out of the stage he is in without enjoying it fully (or in contrast, enjoying it soooo much and never wanting to leave it), onto the next, oblivious of its ugly aspects thinking that the other stages will always be better. oh, happines then will always be like the horizon for you... so near, yet so far.

i think the secret lies in enjoying all the stages that we go thru in life, especially singlehood, until we are called to the next! living it up honey, coz if you don't, you won't find happiness even in marriage... don't rush out of singlehood, as you may just quickly bounce back to it...

there are those who are single since birth, and a number are newly single--- fresh out of a broken relationship. to all of us, cheers, i have good news to us girls...

gone are the days when singlehood is typecasted with the negative connotation of spinsterhood.
gone are the days when singlehood is socially unacceptable.
gone are the days when singlehood is boring, a state you'd like to jump out from.
gone are the days when singlehood is only enjoyed by men.

am i justifying my current state? no, i am stating facts. facts that many of us need to open our eyes to, and willingly embrace.

so the next time someone pesters you about your lovelife, just be cool with it and get used to it. do you think it will stop after you finally get a new guy? nope! i guarantee you it'l just start a new, yet still nagging question 'when are you getting married?'... and after you get married, 'when are you going to have a baby?'... and after you have a baby, 'when are you going to have another baby?', and so on and on...

didn't you notice that most of these questions come from people who does not really know much about you and are just trying to have some small talk? so don't let them affect you...

or, or, they are from real friends you haven't gotten in touch with for quite sometime? i'm sure you'd not take it against them...

you may disagree, but really, no man will complete you.... and as preachy as it may sound, but believe me, only God can! that i guarantee! ;)

so chill out, smile and give them your new attitude! go girl!

Letter to the Young People

when a friend asked me to help her persuade the other young people into joining our church's singles conference, i did not hesitate. i would have loved to attend it, if not for my delayed flight! here's an excerpt of my letter to her:



================================================================



hey guys! greetings from across the miles...i would have wanted to attend the singles camp and meet some of you, who by the natural law of ageing has been elevated to this generation ;) but i am sorry i can't...

so are you looking forward to it? or you're still stuck in the cutesy youth camp? remember, singles camp is not just 'looking for your better-half' as many subconsciusly think it is, so they refuse to be called as such. finding your GB is just an icing on the cake! so, don't undestimate this God given stage in life ;)

so what else is there in singlehood????? singlehood is an advancement from the youth stage ...it is the time when you take in meat, rather than milk... it is when we are older and wiser to make a difference in this world as a christian... it is a stage wherein we are given the opportunity to serve more, rather than being served... it is the time for some when we have more resources to be used for his kingdom... it is a time when real and stronger tests are given by the enemies...and more importantly, it is the time when we take over the duties left by those who have chosen to take the path of marriage...

if youth is a state sandwiched between childhood and singlehood... singlehood is sandwiched between youth and marriage.... so accept the fact that people relate singlehood to "looking-for-my-GB" as this is the next natural state that people pray for us... so don't be gun-shy at the expense of losing the important teachings such as during camp!

embrace all the responsibilites and privileges that goes with being a single...and also, be armed with all the things you need to know as a single in this SCHEMING world! there's much to know which i have learned from the past 3 camps that i've attended that made me a better, more grounded and a happier single!

Single Ratios and Proportions

in one of my dinners with other friends, both guys and gals, singles and married, we had this interesting discussion on why there are so many single ladies in the philippines... i came up with a theory.

population-wise, there is a ratio of 4 guys to 6 ladies. among the 6 ladies, 2 are married and 4 are single. among the 4 guys, one is married, one is gay, one is partner of the gay, and one is single. so, do your math! that means, for every single guy, there are 4 single ladies. and now, with the emergence of the 'demi moores', the once-married ladies are now going after the 1 single guy, against all the 4 eligible ladies! wow, slim chance! haha!

but this does not bug me, as one of my good guy friend told me once, "it is not on the ratios nor proportions, but on our God who designs everything!" amen to that! he is not just being a little theological about it, but being realistic actually. single guys and gals are not statistics, but human beings with emotions to consider for their choices of a lifetime partner.


in so many ways, being single here i guess is more blessed against our counterparts in countries where arranged-marriages is the order of the day for those who has stepped on their 20s! when you are female at 25 and still single, it is already a real curse, and so the parents of the ladies need to knock on the doors of the parents of the single guys and may even line up with the other 'applicants'. but this is not 'weird' for them, but a part and parcel of their culture.

therefore, in the end, i think i will also debunk my own theory! the ratios and proportions theory is just a comical and easy way of looking at my situation. as they say, it doesnt hurt to put humor on yourself sometimes...

Splitsville

here i go again... reading another 'strong' hollywood couple heading to splitsville! when kate hudson and hubby split a few months ago, i was squashed. and now, reese witherspoon and hubby ryan, when just last week i read how they've remained loving as ever thru the years. these are not your regular couples who just do things to fill in a controversy page. so why do they tear apart? why is the world full of unencouraging stories for singles like me?

even among the lesser mortals like my league, splits are as many, as real, but less public, but extent of damage can be of the same intensity. i just realized, reasons have gone awry and surprisingly creative in recent years! the new lifestyle has given birth to 'i need to focus on my career', 'i want to explore more', 'i can't imagine getting tied down to a single partner', 'we need to see others to test if we are really for each other', and all other shity stuff. and no more have i seen very brittle relationships than now, with break up catalysts ranging from as simple as an ordinary argument, to lack of time with each other, to fizzling out of excitement to as worse as the appearance of the ugly third party! where are the winners of the test of time, test of trials and temptations? are they so rare in this generation?


i have known some to have even bannered what they did and called it the freedom of the century-- being able to walk out of a ruining relationship. they say breaking up are more common now adays because women are more aware of their rights, and have ceased suffering in silence. some men, on the other hand have welcomed this as it means more partners in a short lifetime! how twisted! it has made jumping into and out of a relationship such a walk in the park! to some, split ups are such a mastered craft!


however it is easy for some, we have to accept the fact that in every break up, there is always pain. and to mask the pain, some couples even go to the extent of stating an 'amicable' separation, only to start public betrayals months after. it is such a sad story of a love gone sour... and worse, gone bitter...


so in the end, when couples split, is it a story of regret, or a story of freedom?

my antidote to the emphatic sadness i feel whenever i learn of couples splitting, are the few couples i personally know who have gone against the tides of the times. they unwaveringly give me back my faith in love. as for me, relationships will always be a jewel left untarnished, as how God wanted it to be. so jumping into it takes time, effort and lots of thinking.... because i am terrified of even the tell-tale signs of splitsville!

When Mex meets West

one of the good things that came out of our market research stint in Qatar was not that we found out that it is a very emerging market nor that we have very good opportunity to tap in Doha... but quite surprisingly, it is this friendship me and Mano made with an uber 'cool' couple, Guy and Barbara.



he is from UK, she is from Mexico. they met when they were doing their masterals in US. this is what i call an internationally love story, haha! let us just say it was love at first sight, for after their initial talks, Barbs obviously got Guy running after her... even after she left for Mexico. no mountains, nor seas can stop him from pursuing her... not even culture nor the language that were poles apart. Guy flew to mexico, and with such a very traditional mexican family, Guy has to break in so strongly, and persistently, which he did. he not only absorbed the typical mexican ways, but moreso studied spanish which has connected them more strongly. in short, they got married and started the so-called path to 'bliss'...



that was almost two decades ago... last week, we went to Barbs bday celeb, as we have been privileged to be part of her important day. well, for lack of preparation and creativity, we just brought a Moncaro Italian red wine as a gift, wrapped in pink crepe paper and pink ribbon. being pinoys in an expected international and beyond-our-league crowd gave me some tingling sensation in my spine. thoughts of being out-of-place, of insecutrity and of dry oldies fun, crept into my mind...but between staying in the flat doing nothing and fulfilling our promise, we opted for the latter... so there, we drove to their place, and headed to their unit. from behind the front door, we already heard fun noises and good music.

walking past thru the guests who made it earlier than us gave me a confirmation of a 'united colors of benetton' party. we met all sorts of couples: indian, lebanese, canadian, british, arab and pinay. and of course, met all who didn't have their better-halves, such as the palestinian, brits, pinays. barbs was so kind to tell us some bits of info about her guests, and we found out they were also not connected to each other. most have met only now, and yet they talk as if they've known each other for ages. after that, barbs left us and attended to her other guests. well that leaves us to either be stuck in the corner, or explore the wonderful inter-cultural community! ;)

surprisingly, talking to each one was quite effortless! no need for formal intro, just pop up a topic, and bingo, you start to talk. later the very vibrant latino music started to fill the air, and everyone started dancing... note, most were in their late 40s dancing to the grooves! my eyes feasted on the different dance steps they have. later, women started teaching each one how to do the arabic hip moves, the spanish salsa and the egyptian walk! the guys pumped up the la vida loca music by the bongos or hand drums and various sized maraccas. much later, we were treated to Guy's suave saxophone performance! one can see that Barbara is very pleased with her hubby's show... no sign of exasperation though it seemed a routine one to her and close friends... in between the rhythm and beats, the sweet dance, one can feel the love and cool company they share...

as typical of mexican festivities, tequila was overflowing drunk as if it was water! and they don't drink it with the 'western' salt and lemon. finger foods were here, there and everywhere, provided by intercon hotel chefs and cooks, who by the way were pinoys! ;) later at 12 midnight, we started to assemble at dining table where the cake was. barbs asked all the ladies to put our rings onto the candle to make our wishes for her come true.. hmm.. something new... then, we all sang the familiar bday song ending with her blowing of a candle! it was a nice, cool and relaxed party...

the qatar trip and this bday party.. brief encounters with them that proved that the bliss is not gone.... instead, there were more pluses... fun, friendship and company. sans a child, they've shown that a husband and wife can rightfully complete a family... crossing over distance and cultural barriers...